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so the boy heads east
November 2, 2004 / 09:16 PM
wrap up.
got my money for the deposit. still sorta feeling scared.
im tired.
foot wants to find a home in my mouth.
i voted.
it rained all day. the nice slow pissing of rain that i truely love.
* p.2
November 2, 2004 / 09:10 AM
after having time to let it settle in my head while i slept. i think it will be good. the people i am moving in with are very good people that seem to be able to handle me in large doses. one of my biggest worries on the situation was sometimes when you move with a friend it can change the friendship.
*tips hat*
so here to letting the chips fall where they may.
*
November 2, 2004 / 12:00 AM
"the gate opens, the gate closes..
it does not help."
-the gate
well, i signed a lease with josh and carrie tonight. i feel that i should of thought on it some more. but the place is nice and i should be able to afford it... so how come i dont feel any better about things?
i know that this is what i wanted. but its just that it was sorta fast. it happened very fast. i didnt let myself think about it like i normally do... like i normally over think everything. so, for 6 months i will be in ohio. i dont know how i am going to handle the job situation. will i apply at the jobs hobbit mentioned? will i stay where i am now and remain free from many things you have in a true corp job?
all i do know, is that i have been putting out cigarettes just as fast as i can light them. in a brighter view of things, i am not leaving friends behind, i am far enough from my current home that i can let strings break. but its been so long since i had to be adult like that.
girl: i dont have an answer to that. but i am sure its related to something you are only going to tip-toe around.
me: maybe.. but i cant help it.
girl: i know. i know. its a lot like what your friend hobbit told you tonight. you will make it. you will come out alive. you will come out a live and winters.
me: ...
girl: he said it first. but it sounds about right if you ask me. *shrugs* but then again, who i am to say.
me: ...
girl: well, dont let it worry you so much. you know as well as i do that this isnt whats on your mind deep down.
me: i know. i do. its just... *holds out hands* i dont know.
girl: i cant play your little games tonight. so, go get your money and just jump in the water. but, before i go... *pauses* ... you know, tonight, you need to work this out on your own. when you really want to talk about what you wont talk about, i'll find you.
me: yeah. thats for the best right now. take care.
girl: you too.
away birdies with special sounds >><< * p.2
away birdies with special sounds
November 1, 2004 / 02:37 PM
i woke up in the morning and they were gone.
i look around for them but they no where.
i woke up in the morning and i looked every where.
but i think they gone away.
i think they gone away.
i looked everywhere for them but they were gone.
i do not know why they gone away.
i do not want them to go away.
i woke up in the morning and they were gone.
i do not want them to go away.
-away birdies with special sounds by grandaddy
(samples transcribed like lyrics)
here we are
October 31, 2004 / 12:35 PM
its sunday. i feel kinda trashed. im stinky with cigarette smoke and could use some soap and water and shave.
no real great words of wisdom for anyone today. maybe later. but now i need to find some pants and drive to see a few people. i think the only thing holding me back is the fact that i dont know what kind of music i need for my trek. do i want to ride out the current rain mist with some Cure or brighten it with some of The Faint? keep it music and let my mind wander to Mono or Mogwai... or let the world die around me with some Godspeed.
you know what? i am making a promise today that this will be the biggest problem i have to worry about today. but i do need to get ahold of carrie to see if she will help me apply at a greeting card company.
see you kids around because im pretending that later on we are all going out for drinks.
this is not the true ending >><< away birdies with special sounds
this is not the true ending
October 31, 2004 / 02:01 AM
well, i know it all turning into a big drawn out story with lack of a true moral or point. but the past two days were alright. in a bittersweet kinda way. i did get to see 'saw'... it like it. but the reason i am writing this all right now isnt to tell you about any of that stuff. but rather, to maybe get straight what happened on my way home.
i left the bar, feeling alright, sorta. i wasnt drinking, i never do. i dont trust the medicine of truth. so to compliment my thirst, i smoke 14 cigarettes in like 3 hours.
i stopped at a store to get some thing to drink and charge it to my credit card. when i left the store and got into my car the girl was sitting there. she asked me to drive around some and i said fine as long as i can play my music. i figured why not... i am digging this cd and im not tired. and really when that happens i sometimes feel that everything in this world doesnt matter and it will all click somehow. dramatic? sure. but thats how i think.
me: hows it going? i was a bit worried about you.
girl: there is no need to worry. everythings fine, i just got a bit fucked up.
me: it happens. i figured you would be alright... but i still kinda worried.
girl: ...thanks. im cool. but we need to talk about some stuff. i feel bad, because its going to fuck up things and ruin plot devices and all of that. but this isnt a movie.
me: *grins* lay it all on me then. spare me no details.
girl: *nods gravely* then after this song. *turns up the music*
she started her story a little like this:
"i first met the old man about a year ago. hes pretty much the first thing i do remember. i think thats part of his job. im not really sure exactly what everyones job in this play is, but i know mine and i think his is the same, but he does do more since hes been around longer." she looks out the window watching the traffic lights on the other roads. "putting it bluntly, this is my job... i am supposed to keep an eye on you and a few others. i dont get paid in the common way, because really, i dont need the common things." its quiet again but this time its strange and i shift in my seat and ask her if the police knew about her job. apparently it was the wrong thing to say.
"our job, is to watch you, so you dont fuck up like we did. the old man watched you first. do you know his story? i dont. i have heard some things, but i guess about 8 or 9 years ago he got piss drunk and decided to do some work. i figure he had a farm and he lost his arm that way... thats really about it. as for me, i ate some pills... but really it was a cry for help or something." she shrugs and turns towards me. "i wasnt found until it was too late. thats how it works sometimes."
not sure how to take all of this information and if i could take it very seriously... it seemed alittle heavy handed or something. so i decided to just ask out right: so you're both dead?
girl: i guess so. its not a matter of heaven and hell. someday we all go to one of the other or not. but right now, there is this. what this is, i dont know, how i know its my job i havent figured out but considering only you can see me.... well, that leaves only two trains of thought. one, i am here to try to help people or two, you need pills so you stop seeing fake people.
me: *sighs* and supposing i am to believe you. i am not saying i do or dont. but, suppose i do. where does that leave us?
girl: that i dont know either. *shrugs again* fuck it. i mean, does it really matter?
me: i guess it doesnt, but i want you to know, i am not going to just hop this mortal coil because i am feeling lonely.
girl: i know. thats the part that bothers me. for the past year i have been 'helping' a few others and they either make up their mind one way or another and i can smell it on you that you wont for whatever reason.
me: thats good to know.
girl: sarcasm, nice.
me: *hands her a smoke* here, so it will feel more normal. but you know, i have been listening to the cure a bunch. so you never know. *grins* im feeling like tonight might just be too much.
girl: *rolls eyes* you are an asshole sometimes, you know that right? well, start driving home and let me out at the road before yours.
me: sure.
girl: i have been giving all of this thought. at first i thought this was all a joke, but i think maybe after talking to you that it isnt. you get pretty fucking down. like way down. like crying in the bathroom like you joke about. and yet. *shakes head* i told myself i wasnt going put my tongue in your asshole and inflate your ego. but i think the reason my job is to watch you so much is because i am supposed to learn something from you.
me: *not sure of what to say* ...well, i better get paid.
the girl punched me in the arm telling me to keep the change. looking serious again she says, i really fucking hated you after the first day. you just reek of poser and shit sometimes. putting her hand on her forehead and faking distress: im only happy when it rains. where are my cloves? only robert smith understands me.
laughing, i tell her now shes being an asshole. but i do tell her, in fairness, i felt the same way about you. its like 'im a girl, im happy, im punk rock, but i dont even know who the band is on my shirt. lets go to hot topic.' she ashes her cigarette on me. "you really are an asshole. you didnt think that. did you?" she asked.
"no, not really, but a little" i tell her, "but it doesnt matter. no matter how you slice it, it doesnt get more rainy or goth then driving around a confused dead girl that claims shes your guardian angel."
girl: your brother was right, you have a knack for ruining certain moods.
me: yeah. im feeling better too.
girl: *smiling* if you only knew how much we had to watch you. i saw you today walking around town when you and renee took rachels kids trick or treating. i saw you in the bar slinking around i saw those people hug you and all that sappy stuff.
me: now dont get nasty brother. i have a reputation to uphold.
girl: *rolls eyes* alright, this is my stop. 'reputation'? well. if you're not too careful people might think you're human.
the car slows and she hops out laughing and telling me, "why dont you just forget about most of what we talked about and i wont tell anyone what a soft fucker you can be." she shuts the door and starts walking down the road and i drive off as well.
me: *to himself* and if you're not too careful people might think you are human too.
working it all out >><< here we are
working it all out
October 29, 2004 / 04:36 PM
updated schedule:
-last weekend i said i would tag along to a party on saturday night.
---i am doing this, but if i have to be in painsville before 6pm, that makes it a little difficult.
-2 months ago i said i would go to a dinner thing on saturday night.
---i welched on this. sorry mom, sorry god. but renee forgave me under the conditional terms that she can draw whiskers on my face to help go with my rabbit ears. as long as the other people are in there gear, i think it will be fine.
-tonight is some sort of bar hopping halloween thing with the cast of red lobster.
---this is what i am doing instead of the movie. i dont drink. but maybe someone will hook a rabbit up with some.
-halloween candy time in my asshole town is 4pm on saturday.
---this adventure is still going on.
-i usually draw crows during the day on saturday.
---this might not work out. a weekend soon we need to get these crows done so we can start cutting them.
-no money for gas, smokes, drinks, etc.
---everyone will be providing me with these things. its in the bible.
-wanting to go see 'SAW' tonight.
---not going to see this just yet. going to wait until the timing is better.
i typed this out really fast and with out making sure there are no continuity errors and shit. so "cheers" and all of that.
ps. my kryptonite is fastfood tomatos.
stop coming to my house [300] >><< this is not the true ending
stop coming to my house [300]
October 29, 2004 / 09:03 AM
like a mass grave the weekend is here and i am sorta excited... but not sure how i am going to pull this all off. so here are the details and whatnot:
-last weekend i said i would tag along to a party on saturday night.
-2 months ago i said i would go to a dinner thing on saturday night.
-tonight is some sort of bar hopping halloween thing with the cast of red lobster.
-halloween candy time in my asshole town is 4pm on saturday.
-i usually draw crows during the day on saturday.
-no money for gas, smokes, drinks, etc.
-wanting to go see 'SAW' tonight.
i think i can swing this weekend around like a cat by its tail. the biggest conflict of interest is timing on saturday.
comedown cont. >><< working it all out
comedown cont.
October 27, 2004 / 02:59 PM
a puddle of lame >><< stop coming to my house [300]
a puddle of lame
October 27, 2004 / 02:18 PM
so. well. first off... i am a little bitch.
here is my lunch story (not that i will pretend that its really a story).
my gram picked me up late. but thats her and i knew what this was... so we head to the tacobell, the line is epic. huge. while we are there, she is talking to me about stuff and she wants to know how i have been and what i have been up to. the basic boildown of what i said was: fuck this whole bag. everything is so gay. why cant shit just be simple and happy? work, art, life, bills, money... its all shit. but then i laughed and told her.. why cant i find a way to get paid to cram my messages down peoples thoughts?
she was quiet awhile... and i thought maybe i was being a big asshole... but she turned to me and said: i want to try the grilled stuft. but i dont want a combo. why dont you take that job at the greeting card company if they will take you? you might get enough hours there to live with a roomate and make buttons and shirts. someday, if you keep at it, you will be discovered.
i thought. sure. maybe i will contact this 'greeting card company'.
yeah, the buttons. i want to make buttons now as well. but pricing the machines has left me feeling spent. because i wanted it cheap.
i asked my gram if she thought someone would wear a button they found in a bathroom stall... 'you dont need god to love' or 'quit your job' or something. i am sick of going to piss or shit in a truckstop or someplace and i see some fucking message that says 'REPENT' or something about god hating fags. if douche bags can leave shit in bathrooms so can i.
she ended up talking to me about how god has a special plan for me and someday i will see it. i laughed said my degree doesnt say 'martyr'.. but since i was the only one not laughing. i mentioned how if this is a special plan... this further reinforces my personal feelings.
i switched subjects.
i mentioned how i needed to mail a package for work and i had something i needed to mail. i grabbed up 25 euthanized stickers that morning and a drawing of a sad girl with a shaved head and sewn on wings and a hand written note and sent it all to: 'you are beautiful'.
i dont care if they send me anything back. it has been one of the most uplifting things to happen to me in a very long time when i stumbled on that site. if they do send me some stickers back... the first one is going to my grandmother.
i want lunch >><< comedown cont.
i want lunch
October 27, 2004 / 12:11 PM
i am here at work, waiting to get lunch with my grandmother. we are gonna get some tacobell. the local bell just reopened after getting bigger.
my headphones tell me 'a baby falls out warm, its screaming for its life. and it tries to dance as it grows up and dies.'
and my head has been asking me: dude, do you think you could find a way to live on just doing your own artshit?
the alarmclock this morning was telling me to keep sleeping.
well, cheers anyway. im not a rebel, im not the kind of person that fights the system.. i just like the art style. even if right now, that is at its most trendy... i think i am going to turn up my 'mainstream-dance-pop' bullshit and pretend i am not worried i havent been smoking way to much.
since i havent done so >><< a puddle of lame
since i havent done so
October 26, 2004 / 11:47 AM
here are a few shots from the halloween thing.
http://broken.euthanized.org/hallow
chainsmoking >><< i want lunch
chainsmoking
October 26, 2004 / 12:07 AM
i was there at the party. it was a party like out of the movies and for a moment i wanted to run, but i felt that if i stayed, it would help.
help me feel like i was clicking.
there were a lot of people there. all dressed to the nines in their halloween best. i walked in with two bunny ears pinned to my hoodie.
the music was loud and i watched people dance and kinda walked around some and sat around and had a good time. everything was really good. i was hanging out with hobbit and tarra and a bunch of other really cool people.
i was really sorry i had to leave early. but i needed to take care of some biz relating to my current move. regrets or otherwise, i had to do this.
stepping out into the drizzle and looking at the rain freeze under the strobe light like glitter... walking upright was not an easy task. i saw two shadows standing by my car. kind of supporting eachother. so i walked slowly, because the rain didnt bother me... and if it was two people making out... i didnt want to be the buzz kill.
i see the larger shape open up my car door and put the other person in on the passenger seat and shut the door. then i saw as i got closer who they were. the old man was walking towards me.
"hey ryan." the old man spoke, "its been a long time."
i told him it was and asked him what was going on? he said the girl needed a ride home and he didnt have a car. my mind wanted me to ask how the hell they found me way out here in a place i have never been to. but i realized it didnt matter. he told me the girl was sick... he told me this wasnt how it was supposed to be and the design that was supposed be was breaking apart. i stood there bunched up in the cold not sure of what to say. so i finally told him i would take her home and it would be alright. he reached out and said: thanks. i knew you would be able to.
he walked off into the dark to do whatever it is that he does. i climbed in my car and started it up, putting the extra shit i had with me in the back and pulled my sketchbooks out from under the girl because i didnt think she needed to be sitting on them... and they were getting wet.
i looked at her huddled away from me looking out the window or sleeping. i didnt know. so i just kind of drove around watching my gas meter hoping i wouldnt get too lost. hoping i wouldnt have to speak first. but eventually i did.
me: are you alright?
girl: ...
me: *lightly shaking her shoulder* are you awake?
girl: ...yeah. im here.
i could smell wine or something. i dont know how missed it. if it hadnt been raining, i would of guessed she was soaking in it. i felt the silence stretch on. the track number on my cd player was progressing but it was so low i couldnt hear it.
girl: *she shifts a little in the seat and i can see her shaking a little*
me: seriously... are you okay?
i didnt know if she was cold or crying or what... so i turned the heat up a little. and drove down random backroads in the country some more until she finally told me to pull the car over... and that she was going to be sick. pulling over to the side, the door pops open in time for me to see dark water jet from her mouth hitting the inner door panel and the grass. over and over until its yellow and coming out with painful retching noises. she flings a runner of clear snot from her face onto the ground and i turn off the overhead light, to give her more privacy.
its silent for awhile besides her breathing.
i get out and help her back into the car. but as i make my way to myside of the car, she gets out and tries walking. she falls in the mess she made. i hurry back to help her up and i dont know what to do, so i just help her walk. we are walking in the beams from the headlights and after about 15 slow feet she stops. she wont let go of my hand. i can feel her crying.
struck with what i should do. i feel frozen. i dont ever have to be human.. i just get to write about it. but i hug her and i feel her hug me back.
girl: im sorry.
im sorry.
i dont mean to be retarded.
im sorry im a failure.
im sorry ryan. im sorry i am doing such a bad job.
me: there is nothing to be sorry for. dont be sorry.
so here we are.. and i forget about all my fucking crybaby baggage and all that bullshit and i just keep repeating over her words, that there is nothing to be sorry for. rocking back and forth as the rain comes down.
after awhile i help her back into the car and try to backtrack the way i came so i can find a familiar road home. i figure i can take her home and explain later to my family who she is. back in my driveway, i can hear her sleeping, i have to grin to myself that she sorta snores. but as i shut the car off, she tells me she will just sleep here. so i go inside and get her some blankets and cover her up, pulling off her shoes and laying the seat back for her. as i am doing this, i hear her talking to herself. shes saying strange things... she doesnt know i came back... but i tell her i did. and shes says its not me. not knowing whatelse to do, i turn her head towards me and say, it is me.
so i sat in my car awhile making sure her breathing didnt stop. i am guessing it was close to 5am now and i fall asleep too.
when i awoke, she was gone, all i had to do was explain to my mother why i slept in the car and why i smelled like cheap wine.
(this is the best i could do)
sicker >><< since i havent done so
sicker
October 23, 2004 / 01:42 PM
i am sick.
i have a sickness.
my nose is sore and leaky.
coughing.
tired.
this fucks my weekend up.
making a 1000 paper cranes >><< chainsmoking
making a 1000 paper cranes
October 22, 2004 / 02:54 PM
i am standing outside against the work building. its almost cliche. its very predictable.
i am also watching the birds. they are huddled up on the telephone pole instead of the building they often perch on.
the sun is coming out and i have to squint when a ray breaks the cloud.
the girl is walking around the corner from the other street behind these buildings. her patchy hair is looking more punk then mental detainee and i grin. i didnt know the natural color was mouse brown.
she waves when she sees me.
i ask her hows shes doing. she flashes me the deadpan eyes and suggests that i just might be a dick. we laugh a little and i shuffle my feet. she pulls out a monarch from a soft pack she had in a pocket sewn to her left arm. sheepishly mentioning to me that beggers cannot be choosers. i just nod back.
we put our backs to the wall and sit down. she notices the birds.
"how do you think the old man is?" i asked.
"he's alright. he's been busy. he asked me the same question about you last time i saw him." said the girl as she bushes some ashes off her jacket.
girl: well enough mindless conversation. do mind if i just skip to the point?
me: *shrugs* sure, its your dime.
girl: what the hell is going on?
me: im not sure. its like i used to have a life that was one way. very static. unchanging. and suddenly something good happens... then another.. and then yesterday another good thing... *stalling*
girl: and... well. good is good. i think thats a line you use.
me: what if you took three different kinds of good and you found out that you have to pick one of these goods? just suppose that by simply having these goods on your plate that they have made things bad in your head.
girl: *sighs* jesus christ. winters. shut the fuck up. talking to you can be vague... but christ. *shakes head* okay riddle box, what next?
me: nothing. thats the thing. i am just going to follow the stream until it forces me to pick.
girl: alright. lets hope it gets better soon... and since i am feeling honest. i told the old man that he needs to come back and maybe take my spot. sometimes talking to you is fun. sometimes... not so much. it wears a girl down to the knub.
me: *rolls eyes*
girl: last night, when your friend told the waitress she could join you guys for a smoke and you told her she was welcome to but its not much fun... she joked back "yeah, i noticed that about you, usually when i get off work after you are in i spend alot of time in the bathroom. crying. a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other... avoiding the mirror."
me: yeah. but you left out the part where i told her my side of the table was 'the mope zone'.
smiling for the first time today. i feel my head clear some. i lean over and ash on the girl then tell her she can go anytime she wants but she can never leave. calling me a cunt and tossing her smoke at me... while announcing shes had enough.
girl: did you just use a lyric from hotel california in conversational terms?
me: because you like it.
girl: *ignoring me and walking off* i think that just gave me aids.
calls (from the kidnappers ball) >><< sicker
calls (from the kidnappers ball)
October 22, 2004 / 11:37 AM
me: hey gram, wanna get lunch.
gram: i do, but i cant, i gotta bunch of stuff i have to do. i was just thinking yesterday we need to get lunch.
me: its okay. no worries. if you need help with the painting, just leave a message at home so i will know to come over.
gram: okay. i will. thank you.
me: ...
gram: dont give up. alright?
she really said that, out of no where. so for her, saying just what i needed to hear with out her knowing it... i will try.
i've got more candy in my car. >><< making a 1000 paper cranes
i've got more candy in my car.
October 22, 2004 / 09:44 AM
i keep playing a sample from fightclub over in my head. 'you have met me at a very strange time in my life'. even if that is a bit dramatic.
so, i am going to break this down into sections:
{section 1}
i am fucking happy its the weekend. not that i had a bad work week, but i like weekends and sleeping late and all the adventures to be had (or nonadventures). i think this weekend will be a slow lumbering good thing. or hell on earth.. either way, i have some bunny ears that a dog ripped off a stuffed toy for me so my costume is ready for saturday.
{section 2a}
what the fuck is a gasmouth to do? now, this is touchy. i dont want to come off like i am really upset at my recent luck.. but its hard to get my head around and make the right choices. i am supposed to move to painesville or that area. and as i was getting all warm to that idea.. a friend of mine said 'dude, nice job that you can do in pittsburgh, check it out'... and as i was getting that right in my head trying to decided which was the right choice... things changed at my current work. now its going to be harder to leave for either of those options.
{section 2b}
i feel that because i have been hanging out with a few of my friends pretty regularly that i have been becoming disconnected from some of my other close friends.... which leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.
{section3}
i was really happy with my milksop badge. not so happy with my new header though. but i wouldnt mind making some more badges and putting up a fucking quiz on quizzilla or whateverthefuck its called. so i can spread some love back to all the kids that dangled 'what kind of supersoft angel kitten from anime movie are you? - quiz' in front of me.
rock.
{section 4}
borrow a few cds from a friend.
i recommend asking around for some 'sigur ros' maybe some 'mum' and if you're lucky some 'mono'.. i dont know. they seem to kinda fit the grey.
{section 5}
my head is full of loose skin, gelatin, and dirt. and my nose is the draining point. my tongue tastes like ashes.
comedown >><< calls (from the kidnappers ball)
comedown
October 20, 2004 / 04:23 PM
idle transmissions from this grave >><< i've got more candy in my car.
