chainsmoking

i was there at the party. it was a party like out of the movies and for a moment i wanted to run, but i felt that if i stayed, it would help.
help me feel like i was clicking.

there were a lot of people there. all dressed to the nines in their halloween best. i walked in with two bunny ears pinned to my hoodie.

the music was loud and i watched people dance and kinda walked around some and sat around and had a good time. everything was really good. i was hanging out with hobbit and tarra and a bunch of other really cool people.

i was really sorry i had to leave early. but i needed to take care of some biz relating to my current move. regrets or otherwise, i had to do this.

stepping out into the drizzle and looking at the rain freeze under the strobe light like glitter... walking upright was not an easy task. i saw two shadows standing by my car. kind of supporting eachother. so i walked slowly, because the rain didnt bother me... and if it was two people making out... i didnt want to be the buzz kill.

i see the larger shape open up my car door and put the other person in on the passenger seat and shut the door. then i saw as i got closer who they were. the old man was walking towards me.

"hey ryan." the old man spoke, "its been a long time."

i told him it was and asked him what was going on? he said the girl needed a ride home and he didnt have a car. my mind wanted me to ask how the hell they found me way out here in a place i have never been to. but i realized it didnt matter. he told me the girl was sick... he told me this wasnt how it was supposed to be and the design that was supposed be was breaking apart. i stood there bunched up in the cold not sure of what to say. so i finally told him i would take her home and it would be alright. he reached out and said: thanks. i knew you would be able to.

he walked off into the dark to do whatever it is that he does. i climbed in my car and started it up, putting the extra shit i had with me in the back and pulled my sketchbooks out from under the girl because i didnt think she needed to be sitting on them... and they were getting wet.

i looked at her huddled away from me looking out the window or sleeping. i didnt know. so i just kind of drove around watching my gas meter hoping i wouldnt get too lost. hoping i wouldnt have to speak first. but eventually i did.

me: are you alright?
girl: ...

me: *lightly shaking her shoulder* are you awake?
girl: ...yeah. im here.

i could smell wine or something. i dont know how missed it. if it hadnt been raining, i would of guessed she was soaking in it. i felt the silence stretch on. the track number on my cd player was progressing but it was so low i couldnt hear it.

girl: *she shifts a little in the seat and i can see her shaking a little*
me: seriously... are you okay?

i didnt know if she was cold or crying or what... so i turned the heat up a little. and drove down random backroads in the country some more until she finally told me to pull the car over... and that she was going to be sick. pulling over to the side, the door pops open in time for me to see dark water jet from her mouth hitting the inner door panel and the grass. over and over until its yellow and coming out with painful retching noises. she flings a runner of clear snot from her face onto the ground and i turn off the overhead light, to give her more privacy.

its silent for awhile besides her breathing.

i get out and help her back into the car. but as i make my way to myside of the car, she gets out and tries walking. she falls in the mess she made. i hurry back to help her up and i dont know what to do, so i just help her walk. we are walking in the beams from the headlights and after about 15 slow feet she stops. she wont let go of my hand. i can feel her crying.

struck with what i should do. i feel frozen. i dont ever have to be human.. i just get to write about it. but i hug her and i feel her hug me back.

girl: im sorry.
im sorry.
i dont mean to be retarded.
im sorry im a failure.
im sorry ryan. im sorry i am doing such a bad job.

me: there is nothing to be sorry for. dont be sorry.

so here we are.. and i forget about all my fucking crybaby baggage and all that bullshit and i just keep repeating over her words, that there is nothing to be sorry for. rocking back and forth as the rain comes down.

after awhile i help her back into the car and try to backtrack the way i came so i can find a familiar road home. i figure i can take her home and explain later to my family who she is. back in my driveway, i can hear her sleeping, i have to grin to myself that she sorta snores. but as i shut the car off, she tells me she will just sleep here. so i go inside and get her some blankets and cover her up, pulling off her shoes and laying the seat back for her. as i am doing this, i hear her talking to herself. shes saying strange things... she doesnt know i came back... but i tell her i did. and shes says its not me. not knowing whatelse to do, i turn her head towards me and say, it is me.

so i sat in my car awhile making sure her breathing didnt stop. i am guessing it was close to 5am now and i fall asleep too.

when i awoke, she was gone, all i had to do was explain to my mother why i slept in the car and why i smelled like cheap wine.

(this is the best i could do)

posted by gasmouth at October 26, 2004 12:07 AM
Posted to drivel | fiction